Listening

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of Earth.
Hold on to what you believe in even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here….
Hold on to my hand even when
I have gone away from you.
-Nancy Wood, from Many Winters

I’m sitting here in my Aunt’s beautiful villa in Tagaytay, surrounded by trees, wild grass and exquisite flowers. It’s after New Year’s Eve, the first day of 2011 and it’s still very quite. Nobody is awake and I’m up early, enjoying a cup of coffee, butter bread and some smoked salmon. I’ve waited months for a getaway like this- a release from the oppression and constriction that is my life in polluted Makati.

I began the morning by opening the windows and inhaling the cool, icy air. It smells very fresh, this wind. It has a body and depth; I can feel the wind blowing with force through the trees, rustling the grass, playing with my skin. It feels like a friend stroking my cheeks, freezing the cavities and chambers in my broken, confused heart. There is beauty in the world after all.

With nothing else to read, I pick up an old copy of Oprah’s O magazine and peruse one amazing article after another. I may not approve of everything that Oprah does but I have to admit the magazine has some pretty constructive articles. After reading page after page about happy, successful air-brushed types, it hit me: I don’t feel successful. I have been dissatisfied with my life for a very long time. Pain and hurtful experiences keep destroying whatever hope and dignity I have left. Even amidst so much calm and beauty, one can still feel so damaged, so lost, so angry and betrayed. Reeking of the wounds that have cut through soul, skin and bone to the most sensitive places in the heart and mind.

I am unhappy and confused and have been for pretty much most of my early adult life. Nothing I do feels good enough. My life has no meaning, no direction and no dignity. Nothing I have done feels right. I have not accomplished anything and nobody pays attention to my work or gifts. I feel ignored and when I am acknowledged, the focus is usually negative.

There are so many things to say and not enough space in my heart or room in my mind to analyze and elucidate everything that troubles me: the wrong decisions made, the disappointments faced, the consequences bitterly savored. I feel like a very foolish person masquerading as an intelligent one.

What am I supposed to do with my life? What am I supposed to do with myself?
My entire life has felt like a battle with God. I can feel him when I smell the breeze. I can feel him in myself like an ocean flooding me, drowning me and then receding. I can sense him when sunlight streaks through the branches of trees and tendrils of plants into my eyes. He is a warm ray, an answer to every question. He is love, life and the author of trees and wind. He is both an earthquake and a bed of fresh grass blanketing the wet Earth. He is….the meaning and reason for my existence.

Yet God feels like a stranger, an absent parent that calls occasionally. Why is he doing this to me? Why are we fighting each other? Why is he in me, living in me and yet still chooses to remain silent?

I want 2011 to be the year I let go: let go and let God be God. I don’t want to be afraid of the things in life I fear to lose. I don’t want to lust after grandiose dreams I am not strong enough to pursue. I want to be as free and undemanding as the breeze that is blowing all over me and into me, exposing the cracks within, the absence of warmth or meaning….

I want peace. I want to breathe the breeze of life. I want healing to blow into me, destroying everything that hurts. I want God to rescue me from this misery. I have forgiven him for everything he that has happened, everything that has led to this sad, lonely place.

I just want to forget the past, throw everything into the fire, heal completely and start a fresh page with wisdom and direction.

I want warm life to flow into me; spilling into the world all around me.